Oh, these Mathematicians!

There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who cannot.

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1 +1 = 1.
So one day, some smartypants asked him, “Ok. Prove that you’re the Pope.”
He thought for a while and proclaimed, “I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one.”

Asked how his pet parrot died, the the mathematician answered “Polynomial. Polygon.”

A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches fire. The physicist grabs a bucket, leaps toward the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. Second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches fire. This time, the mathematician gets a bucket and hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says “I’ve got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.”
So he leans over the basket and yells out, “HELLLLLLOOOOO! Where are we?”
(They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: “HELLLLLLOOOOO! you’re lost!!”
One of the men says, “That must have been a mathematician.”
Puzzled, one of the other asks, “Why do you say that?”
The reply : “For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless.”

A mathematician wandered home at 3 A.M. His wife angrily told him “You are late! You said you’d be home by a 11:45″. The mathematician replied “I am right on time. I said I’d be home by a quarter of twelve”.

An Engineer, a Physicist and a Mathematician are asked to find the value of 2 +2.
Engineer (after 3 minutes, with a slide rule) : “The answer is precisely 3.9974″.
Physicist (after 6 hours of experiments) : “The value is approximately 4.002, with an error of plus or minus 0.005″.
Mathematician (after a week of calculation) : “Well, I haven’t found an answer yet but I can prove that an answer exists.”

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist are given an identical problem:

“Prove that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime number.”

They proceed:

Mathematician : 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime – counterexample -claim is false.
Physicist : 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,….
Engineer : 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,….

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physician, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

Q : What does a mathematician do when he is constipated?
A : He works it out with pencil.

Q : Did you hear about the murderous mathematician?
A : He went on a killing spree with a pair of axis!

A Mathematician is someone who is ready to assume everything except responsibility

Numbers and Counting

” What’s one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?”
” I don’t know” said Alice. “I lost count.”
“She can’t do addition.” said the Red Queen.
-Lewis Carroll (Through the looking glass)

Prof : How much is 7 x 24?
Student : It’s 168.
Prof : Prove it.
Student : 16 +8 = 24.
Prof : and 7 x 27?
Student : 189, proof 18 +9 = 27.
Prof : and 7 x 21?
Student : 147, proof 14 +7 = 21.
Prof : and 7 x 18?
Student : 126, proof 12 +6 = 18.

Q : Divide 14 sugar cubes into 3 cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes.
A : 1, 1, 12
Riposte : 12 isn’t odd!
A : It’s an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee! (groan)

Complete the next two terms of this sequence:
O, T, T, F, F, S, S, E,….
(Answer: N, T -Nine, Ten)

Likewise here:
3 3 5 4 4 3 5 5
(Answer: 4 3 -number of letters in the words “Nine” and “Ten”)

Theorem : A cat has nine tails.
Proof : No cat has eight tails. A cat has one more tail than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

Mathematics is made up of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent imagination.

A child defined infinity as the place where things happen that shouldn’t.

Higher Math Jokes

Can you math these?

What did the acorn say when he grew up? M – bisects
A dead parrot P – center
What should you do when it rains? S – hypotenuse
A guy who has been to the beach recently G- -Coincide
The set of card is missing E – Polygon
The boy has a speech defect V – secant
How they schedule gym classes H – tangent
What did he do when his mom-in-law wanted o go home? K – ellipse
A tall kettle boiling on the stove B – geometry
Why doesn’t the girl run a 4-minute mile? J – Decagon

[Hint: Sort the answers alphabetically]

de horse and de cart

There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn’t understand them. All the horse’s acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn’t. Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer engineer) looked at the problem and said, “Of course he can’t do it. Why, you’re putting Descartes before the horse!”

A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody : “I’ll integrate you! I’ll differentiate you!!!”
So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: “Aren’t you scared, I’ll integrate you! I’ll differentiate you!!!”
And the other person says; “No, I am not scared, I am e^x

B-Complex Capsules

Q : Why did the mathematician name his dog “Cauchy”?
A : Because he left a residue on every pole.

A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: “On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls.” The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost. The moral to this episode is:
Always keep your poles off the right side of the plane.

Q : What’s the contour integral around Western Europe?
A : Zero, because all the poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum : Actually, there ARE some Poles are in Western Europe, but they are removable!

Son, know your limits!

The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6.
Proof : Cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.

1 +1 = 3, for larger values of 1

8->9 Sqrt(8)=3

Random jokes

Why did the girl eat her maths home work?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the eighth!

Theorem: 45 – 45 = 45

   987654321 = 45(SUM OF DIGITS)
  -123456789 = 45(SUM OF DIGITS)
   864197532 = 45(SUM OF DIGITS)

With 9999 how can you get 100?
Solution: 99+9/9=99+1=100.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pills, swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
“What else do you have?” asks the student.
“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks “Do you have a pill for math?”
The pharmacist says “Wait just a moment”, goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.
The pharmacist replies “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

If A = B and B = C then A = C. It is nice except in practice. If Julie Loves Nick, and Nick loves Sara, then Julie loves Sara. Is that right?

Math problems?
Call 1 -800 -[(10x)^(13i)^2 ] -[ sin (x y) / 2.362x].